What the Hell is up with Heaven?

On Saturday, May 21, 2011, all the "good" people will launch themselves into the skies with really bad bouts of intestinal gas.

So heaven has sure been in the news a lot lately. Almost as much as Ahnold. First, famed physicist, Stephen Hawking, claimed definitely that there is no heaven, which has got to be true since there is no compelling evidence to suggest anything other than randomness is responsible for some folks ending up paralyzed since childhood, making them angry at and resentful of any possible God. Surely being bent up in a wheelchair for most of one’s life would not slant any reasonable person’s view of the existence of God. Nope. No slant there.

Then, Kirk Cameron, who has his own special limits, snapped back that there is too a heaven, and that while it felt wrong to slam a guy with “unfair disadvantages,” he believes that Hawking gets a free pass on his “absurd ideas” because of his disability, and we’ll see how far that handicapped card gets him in hell.  Okay, no. He didn’t say that last part.

Not to be outdone by either the physically or mentally handicapped among us, Harold Camping, the obscenely wealthy head of Family Radio who, himself, is older than God, announced that he is positive that this Saturday, May 21, 2011, will be Judgment Day. The Apocalypse. The Second Coming. Yeah. The “saved” are all going to float up to Heaven on Saturday, while the poor, unpopular wretches who aren’t in Jesus’ clique will be stuck on Earth to sweat out the end days until October, by which everyone left will all be dead. All righty.

Camping swears that “God laid hands on him” in the 50’s—I’d hate to break it to him that it was probably just a pedophile priest— and that he has figured out mathematically the date of the end of Earth. Interestingly, Camping was also positive that Doomsday was coming in 1994, so I’m really believing the validity of his calculations this time because everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance, right?

So. Where does all this conflicting information leave us? Is there no promised land “above” our planet where the streets are gold and winged people play harps? Are people who don’t ascribe to the Christian religion really going to be Left Behind? And, most importantly, will Wal Mart still be open on Sunday? The truth is that Christ would vomit if he showed up right now and witnessed the crap being done in his name. And how can anyone who has ever climaxed during passionate love-making deny the existence of God? Which now that I think about it gives me a clue into somebody’s mentality. And how can anyone claim that—if there is a God—that She’d play favorites? Lord. It’s a mess. But this much I do know: one day in the future, when the Earth is barren save for a few scattered Priuses and lots of cockroaches, when we’ve all shuffled off this mortal coil, when we’ve all met our maker whether it is a space rock or a benevolent spirit, Charlie Sheen will still suck big, smelly balls.