Ahnold, Ahnold, Ahnold

So, yeah. This was right after they told me the truth.

Oh, my holy God. It’s like the Wall fell all over again. It’s like WWII just ended. It’s like Kennedy was shot this very afternoon. This is obviously HUGE fucking news! I can clearly see why it was the top story on CNN’s The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer at 6:00 tonight. Ahnold has fathered a love child—or really a fuck child because I doubt very seriously love had anything to do with it. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I could not click through the channels just now without footage of Shriver and Schwarzenegger and clan, or Shriver and Oprah, or a re-run of That 70’s Show, which is surprisingly ubiquitous. And God knows it’s wrong to kick a person when she’s down, but Lord, Maria Shriver is fugly. I’m sorry, Maria, but it’s like someone took a perfect square mold and poured your face in it. You have a fucking cube for a head, Honey. Great hair, though. But back to your very-soon-to-be-ex-husband.

The “stars” are all in a tizzy because they have definitive PROOF that one of their own, who just happens to have been a politician for the un-Hollywood party, put his dick somewhere it didn’t belong. That’s never happened before. One spokesperson I listened to briefly said, “Well, with this level of dishonesty and deception, who knows what else…” and then I flipped the channel because he could have been saying that about any politician or celebrity in the entire fricking world.

I am not saying that there should be no standards of acceptable behavior, but when have there ever been any standards in politics? Or Hollywood, for that matter? How does anyone get off criticizing deception in a town where there hasn’t been an authentic tit since the nineteenth century? Hell. Just regular Joes lie and cheat and steal and fuck around every single day. If we gather up all the true saints, the genuinely pious, the one-hundred-percent-clean non-sinners in the universe, we can hold the club meetings in the space between my fat fucking thighs.

Sure. It is a shock to Maria Shriver and her children that Daddy could so callously show his lack of commitment to them. And I am sorry to see people hurt, especially in front of so large an audience. That’s the only important element to this story, though. People— assholes that they are and always will be— hurt each other. Rape each other. Kill each other. Abuse each other. Divorce each other. Humiliate each other. Hate each other because of their skin color or sexual orientation or religious beliefs. Cigar-fuck each other while on the job in the White House. Okay. Not a lot of people do that last one. But you get my point.

People suck.

And apparently, as long as people suck as well as the Schwarzenegger’s former staff member, there will always be illegitimate children. Christ! Let’s get back to some real news. I mean, doesn’t anyone even care what Charlie Sheen is up to these days?