Miley Cyrus: Nekkid and WINNING

This does not seem like a safe place to sit while naked.

Oh, good GOD. Is there any surprise at all that Miley Cyrus’s twerking routine at the VMA’s got so much freaking press? An overtly sexy girl, scantily clad, gyrating and fake-sexing herself on television?! Quelle horreur! “We’ve never seen such a thing,” said fucking no one.

Robin Thicke’s recent video featured nekkid models fawning all over him—and I wonder who thought THAT up—so how is what Miley Cyrus did to him at the show that celebrates music videos any worse? Psssshhh. The incident is getting so much air because all the horny, old bastards in the television and news media industries just want a reason to watch the clip multiple times so they can “use the old foam finger” (if you get my drift) for work.

Miss Cyrus made the statement that she was “making history,” and she’s right. Everyone remembers the obnoxious Madonna-VMA- incident and the obnoxious Lady Gaga-VMA incident and all the obnoxious Britney-VMA-incidents; and now we just have a complete obnoxious set. The hype helped to propel Miley’s new video for the song, “Wrecking Ball,” to #1. She absolutely knows how to play the game.

The “Wrecking Ball” video begins with an extreme close-up of Miley, with her insanely pearly-whites gleaming behind some crying-jag spittle, framed by lips redder than a fox's ass in poke-berry season, and topped off with massive blue eyes that would make Red Riding Hood explode. She is honest-to-God gorgeous. She writhes around a demolition zone in some tighty whities and a teeny tank top, and then rides a wrecking ball in Lady Godiva-fashion.

Holy crap! If I were 20 years old and looked as fabulous as she does, I’d want to preserve the evidence for posterity too. It’s not like she offers up any money shots, for God’s sake. She is quite demure while being sensual and unabashedly sexy. Marilyn Monroe in 2013. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t do it too if you had the goods!

I know. I know. Some men-folk master-minded the whole production. Objectification of women and all that. But I can’t imagine that Miss Cyrus batted her baby-blues and innocently went along for the ride. She is a smart one, that Hannah Montana. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and she’s tittering all the way to the bank with our money. If she’s being objectified, it’s on her own terms, and she sure as hell isn’t pretending that she’s not being naughty.

I understand that she makes some parents uncomfortable because she used to be Hannah Freaking Montana, and now she’s probably having sex, for God’s sake, and that means that our cherubic little girls will grow up and do God-knows-what in the bedroom one day. And that’s where the logic throws me because the women who belong to the Parents’ Television Council were all young once and then grew up and had children, which—wait for it—requires sex. It’s not like no teenagers have ever thought about sex until Miley Cyrus twerked off on television.

Miley does look a little dorky sometimes. Note to Miley: We get it that you’ve got an extra-long tongue, okay? We’re awfully happy for your boyfriend. Please. Can you just put that thing away in public? Stick to singing and provoking and flauting because you are young, beautiful, talented and lucky. Use it or lose it.  

I Have Figured Out WHY I am Unsuccessful!

A flat head belongs ONLY on a screwdriver.

You know what sucks worse than Tara Reid’s performance in Sharknado (or anything, really) and her botchy, liposuctioned stomach put together? Having a flat head. Apparently, when I was a baby, my mother never turned my ass over, so practically my whole pre-ambulatory life I lay on my back in my crib or in this crank-up baby swing that had a seat made of turquoise canvas.

According to a news report I recently read, I’m not the only one whose caretakers just left them endlessly lying there while their heads flattened out. The article, entitled, “Nearly half of babies have flat spots, study finds,” does not make me feel any fucking better to know that I’m not alone. 50% of the population don’t have flat heads, and those are the successful people.  You don’t see any runway models who spin around and make the crowd gasp because the backs of their heads align perfectly with their necks. Like mine.

And although mega-gazillionaire, Donald Trump, has gasp-worthy hair and it SEEMS like part of his brains have been shot out, when he turns to the side, he doesn’t look like a gunshot victim who had poor reconstructive surgery. Like me.

I can’t wear a hat because I look like a deck-post. I can’t rock a high ponytail like Jennifer-fucking-Aniston. And when I lie on one of those rounded, neck-supporting pillows, it’s like I’m being positioned for CPR.

Even though the study in the article I’ve mentioned was conducted on two-month-old Canadian babies—and who the hell knows what kind of babies they have in a place where there is no “ow” sound—there is at least one American company that manufactures orthotic helmets to reshape a baby’s head before it hardens permanently into the shape of the capital letter D. Like mine.

Unfortunately, the helmets cost thousands of bucks and make your family look like child abusers or hockey freaks, which are equally bad.

The cheaper option is just to turn the damn baby. I mean, what are you doing that you can’t rotate the baby every hour or so? Even the laziest sumbitches can get up off the couch at the end of every episode of Duck Dynasty or Teen Mom 6 and turn. The. Baby.

The Canadian study showed that when their flat heads were not caught in time, the babies’ facial features were also affected. Great! You lazy assholes are creating children who are all chainsaw accident in the back and Quasimodo in the front. I hope you are proud. Your children will suffer a lifetime of mediocrity, a hand-to-mouth existence, the failure of all of their hopes and dreams, no cute hats in their futures.

I now know exactly why I have had limited success and why I have a face that incited my grandmother to say things like, “You’re pretty to me.” Flat head. Thanks. When my grandmother was teaching her own daughter—my mother—all those parenting skills, she might have spent a little less time on left-handed compliments and more time on turning the flat-headed baby.