There is Something up my Ass.

Yes, you are damned well rolling the dice if you wear these.

Okay, I admit it. In an effort to project sexiness in the ‘90’s, I procured and wore a small collection of thong underwear. You know, the kind with no coverage whatsoever on the ass, practically guaranteeing cheek saggage? So the inventor of thongs, whose inspiration was clearly thong sandals or maybe the rack, thought, Hey. I’ve got to connect the front to the back without material on the ass. What to do. What to do. And then he—because I am absolutely sure the creator was a he— realized the only choice was to run a piece of extremely thin fabric or possibly barbed-wire over the river and through the woods. At least barbed-wire is what it always felt like to me. Or lots of fire ants. Yes. I’ve found that one of the most effective ways to look Victoria’s-Secret-model-sexy is to fill the crack of my ass with something wretchedly painful. Now I understand why the Angels always writhe around on the sheets in those Victoria’s Secret commercials! They are being tortured! And they’re hungry. But that’s another story.

For the record, there are 33 methods of medieval torture, many of which are still used in lingerie shops to this day. A lot of those methods—burning at the stake, the breast ripper, and the Pear of Anguish (what the…?)— were used primarily to inflict unimaginable pain on so-called witches. Now, the thong above may look like an upside-down witch hat, but that does not mean a girl needs to be tortured to wear it, for God’s sake. Here are some sure-fire pointers for ensuring comfort under there:

1.)    Don’t wear anything and stay in bed all day. (My personal favorite.)

2.)    Don’t wear anything and make sure the jeans you slide on are not snug enough to cause camel-toe because nothing says “skank” like camel-toe, and nothing abrades quite like tight denim shoved up your hoo-ha.

3.)    Get one of those “comfort bras” and choose between relaxation and the humiliation of looking like an octogenarian in the bedroom. Accck.

4.)    Cut the little string attaching the front of the thong to the back, and then tape the vayjayjay panel all the way up the back to the waist band. You’re going dancing anyway, so no one will hear the crinkling over the loud music.

5.)    Stop caring what anyone else thinks and eschew those underwire contraptions and undergarments that dig and bind, and wear only house dresses until your tits hang to your cankles, your ass scrapes the sticky, matted carpet in your double-wide, and your cats live off your decomposing carcass after you die and no one notices for six months.

So. As you can see, your options for looking sexy and being comfy at the same time are limited. But don’t despair. Just turn out the bedroom lights. Most men close their eyes and fantasize about porn hags or models when they’re plugging you anyway. You’re just a vessel and some soft flesh for them to squeeze. Who cares if they think they are suckling a breast and it’s really just the fleshy hump between your shoulder blades? Pleasure is pleasure. Besides, the world is going to end in 2012, so who really gives a shit?