Dear Republicans...

Dear Republicans:
While you were yachting  and collecting trophy wives (although I have to say that every time I see Joe Biden and his wife, I think I’m watching a Cialis commercial), it became NOT the 1770’s. And women and black people? They got the right to vote. Shocking!

We all know that when Thomas Jefferson wrote in The Declaration, “We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable (later changed to “self-evident”), that all men are created equal…” that he and his peers meant only MEN and specifically only WHITE MEN and even more specifically only RICH WHITE MEN, i.e., landowners. We also know that The Declaration was a bold statement that set in motion the future fights of women and other minorities, and that we cannot fairly view Jefferson’s choices and words through a 21^st century filter. The younger generation today keeps trying to run all of American history from our leaders to our laws to our books, movies and television shows through their ever-evolving world view, and not only does it fail miserably, it pisses me off. Stop it already. We need to look at 2012 with a 21^st century lens. And that includes YOU, you dumb-ass Republicans.

In case you are unaware, dear Republicans—DUH—people can love God, yet not be Bible-thumpers. Black Americans are not out hoeing the back 40 of your cotton or serving up your mint-juleps. And women do not want your palsied, cold, liver-spotted fingers all up in their private parts. (Special note to Joe Biden: Invest in some Porcelana ® and some hand warmers.) We can believe in the sanctity of marriage—although at this point, it’s not like the heterosexuals have done such a bang-up job of promoting its sanctity—without the pompous indignation aimed at couples who don’t fit your portrait of “normal.” For God’s sake, interracial marriage was illegal in the US until 1967, and it’s been deemed immoral for centuries in many cultures. How preposterous! At least in the US, we’ve gotten over that stupidity.

But here we are in 2012, and the Republican party has the nerve to put this guy on the ballot. I’m not saying that Mitt isn’t a nice man, although I’m really disturbed that he’s named after fucking sports equipment. I’m sure that even some Democrats might agree that as a person, Mitt’s all right. (Okay. Maybe I’m reaching.) But the Republican Party could only be more out of touch with mainstream America if they were fricking Taliban.

And now they are all scratching their hoary heads and wondering how the hell they lost the election. Helllllooooooo?? Idiots?? STOP trying to tell women what they can and can’t do with their wombs. STOP trying to tell gay people that their love doesn’t equal yours. (And don’t try to tell me that there aren’t gay people amongst your ranks!) STOP trying to tell minorities that they are less important than rich, white people. And, for the love of Jesus, STOP letting Trump speak. At all.

It’s true that fiscal conservatism is needed in our country more than ever. That means that spending cuts are inevitable. But it doesn’t have to be only programs designed to help the poor that get cut, you morons! Our government could STOP spending $100 for a fucking stapler you can get at Wal Mart for $1.99, for example.

The problem is that people are rabidly emotional about money. But if we trim social programs RESPONSIBLY—and that means by reducing the salaries of government employees who push around papers and bog down the system AND by streamlining the processes of identifying deserving recipients of government aid—we can keep lending a hand to the people who TRULY need it, and at the same time, lop off some of our incredible debt. STOP calling Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security and Welfare “entitlement programs.” American workers have toiled long and hard to SAVE money out of their paychecks with the expectation that it will be there when they retire. It’s not like anyone could opt OUT of having SS removed from their pay. We EARNED it. And we expect the government to GIVE IT BACK, dammit.

And as for Welfare and Food Stamps, yes, yes; it’s true that there are sycophants in our country whose total existence consists of sitting on a dilapidated porch, drinking all day from a brown-paper-bag-coated bottle OR having lots of babies without a thought in the world about how to feed them. Newsflash! All of those folks are not minorities! And not ALL folks have been raised with the same values as Republicans. And SOME folks have mental illness. It’s important to weed out people who are defrauding the system, but we can’t just abandon everyone, you nutbags.

As soon as the two aloof, lily-white representatives of Republican-ness that the Party paraded as the “ticket” hit the trail, there was no doubt that they were going down. Hey, Republicans, here’s a novel idea: Why don’t you try a WOMAN candidate? Or a MINORITY? Hell, a fucking deaf-mute would be a better option at this point. Get your heads out of your gold-plated asses and pay attention. Cultural values have changed. And God still loves all of us anyway. If you have the hope of ever, ever putting a Republican back in top office, it’s time you recognize those of us who aren’t rich, white and male.

@#! Daylight-Saving Time!

All right. All right. All right. I am HAPPY that I have an extra hour tonight. I admit it. Moving the hour hand back one rotation on my wall clocks feels as if I’ve somehow created time, and that warms the cockles of my heart. Plus, it was très cool watching my computer's clock go from 1:59:59 to 1:00:00. It felt all sci-fi. And I’m going to make it to bed at THREE tonight instead of FOUR. Yay. But, God, I hate Daylight Saving Time. Or Daylight-Saving Time if you give a shit about proper grammar, which God knows I do.

An insect-enthusiast from New Zealand came up with the original idea for DST because he wanted more daylight hours in which to hunt bugs. That right there says a lot about why we should stop this fucking insane practice this instant. Who listens to a guy who collects bugs? Who? And what kind of nutsack collects bugs in the first place? Listen. I’ve got lots of ‘em you can have for free here at my house, and you won’t even have to look hard.

Now, if the bugman isn’t enough evidence for the suckiness of DST, consider that the GERMANS in WWI were the first to implement the idea of saving daylight. They may not have been Nazis yet, but I just know that some Commie came up with the twisted idea of manipulating time. I get it that in the early part of the 20^th century, if folks conducted business when the sun was still shining, it equaled less coal consumption, which saved money during the war. But there has never been a study yet that showed any actual benefit to the rates of energy consumption in modern times.

Okay. Any business that requires light in the evening will, of course, favor DST. So sports fanatics can get their rocks off for longer with DST. BFD. And convenience stores benefit because more people are out at night, and those folks always need $4-a-gallon milk and a six pack. But sports are stupid and convenience stores are why armed robbery was invented. So fuck both of those. There is simply no good reason anymore for this DST bullshit. Dairy farmers hate it because their cow teats can’t rev up an hour early or late on demand. And you just don’t mess with cold cow titties. And I hate it because it’s exhausting.

Don’t you people in charge know how many damned clocks I have to reset? And do you know it’s next to impossible to figure out how to reset the dash clock in all cars? And I’m smart. Don’t even get me started on trying to reset my daughter’s electronic wristwatch. The freaking manual is written in, like, Farsi or some shit, and it says crap like, “Press one of button twice times while hold left key firmly.” What the fuck? It takes an hour just to figure that stupid thing out, and there goes the goddamned savings.