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| Okay, I know. It LOOKS like he's screwing her, but... |
Please.
Tell me I’m imagining the intense media coverage of the admitted liaison
between Kristen Stewart and her Snow
White director, Rupert Sanders. Please? People. We are not smack-dab in the
middle of 1959 when Elizabeth Taylor vamped Eddie Fisher away from Debbie
Reynolds and folks still pretended that wholesomeness was real and valued.
Hell. Even the Angelina-Brad-Jennifer shocker of ’05 seems to belong to a time
when fairytales were still possible. Trust me. This country has long passed the
Age of Illusions. Except in Washington. But this is Hollywood.
Ironic,
isn’t it, that the affair went down during the making of a (really crappy) Snow
White movie? What I’m trying to figure out is why this “momentary indiscretion,”
as Miss Stewart termed it, is such a big fucking deal. It can’t be that delusional fans are that destroyed by the realization
that Twilight isn’t real, that Bella
and Edward live only in the pages of Stephenie Meyer’s vapid tomes. Rock Hudson
was GAY, people. Hollywood invents shit! Surprise!
It
can’t be that the state of relationship harmony and even—gasp!—marriage in
America hinges on the success of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison. We all
know that the institution of marriage has already been forever annihilated by
the outrageous demands of selfish gay people that they be allowed to join in
holy matrimony, a union clearly intended only for one man and one woman because
it makes perfect sense that true love
can only exist in heterosexual
pairings. I mean, DUH. Anyone can see that.
(And if, by some inexplicable twist of your knickers, you cannot read the
flagrant, dripping sarcasm in that pronouncement, then you are as fucking ignorant
as a rotten stump and your mother clearly fucked an amoeba. No offense to
stumps or amoebae.)
And
surely it can’t be that poor, poor Charlize Theron—co-star of Kristen, family friend
of Rupert and his shit-upon wife, Liberty Ross—is “fuming,” according to Fox
News. For God’s sake, we don’t want to do anything that might upset Miss Theron
because all of this is absolutely ABOUT HER. She stays at the family home
sometimes, goddammit! She enjoys long dinners around the family table, mother
fuckers! What is she going to do NOW!? How dare that bitch, Kristen Stewart,
screw around with her life?!
The
best part is that the press jumps on Kristen Stewart as if she drugged and
raped Rupert Sanders, or at the very least, twisted his arm. The poor, hapless
chump just fell for the temptation, man! AND, that ever-reliable Fox News
actually posted an article with the headline “He Dumped THIS for her?”
accompanied by wet-swimsuit shots of Liberty Ross, which of course makes all of
humanity slap its forehead in utter disbelief because it’s unthinkable that a
man might be attracted to another woman for something other than her looks!
Women in Ethiopia are flicking off flies and going, “No shit! There is no way
that a guy would ever lose interest in a woman who looks like that!” I mean, God! Everyone knows that
relationships are founded, based and cemented on appearances. So, ladies, the
big lesson here is, if you don’t want your man to be stolen by some
Elizabeth-Angelina-Kristen, you better put down that cheesy bread, get your ass to the gym and keep up with
your botox appointments. Hurry!
Photo credit:
forum.twilightersanonymous.com
