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It’s not like that wedding ring just walked off by itself. Some dumbass put it in the trash. But if the ring had stayed on the goddamned finger where it was supposed to be, I would have nothing to bitch about today. |
There are morons, and there are total, fucking morons. Exhibit A: Brian McGuinn, the Florida dude who accidentally threw his future wife’s engagement ring in the trash with his used razor blade this week. Who hasn’t done stupid shit like drop the car keys into the trash can along with the refuse that was in that same hand or put the milk in the pantry instead of the fridge or put the baby in the microwave instead of the stroller? I mean, everyone, practically. But McDummass’s dumbassness didn’t just stop (or start) with the innocent brushing of the ring off the bathroom counter into the Hefty ® bag, although how fucking drunk was he if he couldn’t tell the diff between a chunky ring and flat and rectangular razor blade?
No. In the first place, the guy paid 10,000 fucking dollars for said ring. What? 10,000 dollars. What piece of ass is worth 10 motherfucking thousand dollars? None. That’s like rent for a Harlem family of five for ten years. Damn. Buy a hundred-dollar CZ and get her a wardrobe that doesn’t come from WalMart, asshole. Do you honestly think it makes any difference to anyone whether the rock in that ring is a priceless gem or a really pretty piece of glass? Do you think you are buying 10,000 dollars’ worth of fidelity or everlasting love? I’m willing to wager that if you check the jewelry receipts of all the couples who ever got divorced, you’ll find just as many multiple-zero totals as you will hundred-dollar bottom lines.
Sinking yourself into that much debt for a stupid ring? Moron-move number 1. Number 2, of course, was scooping the ring into the trash. I still don’t believe that dorktard didn’t notice. And, number 3 is that he DID notice after the trash had been picked up and hauled off to the dump. His glacially-paced neurons finally fired, and he recalled where the ring might have gone. (Sure as shit, the shrieking of his wife-to-be provided the jump start. Perhaps a nice Taser to the testicles would be a better solution next time.)
Then, the next brilliant blunder: Brainless McGuinn trucked it down to the landfill and plunged into the sector where his condo’s trash pile rose towards a sulfur-scented sky. He tossed aside used nasties and discarded ickies until he noticed what he believed to be a screw covered in remnants of obscene Taster’s Choice ®. Lo! Behold! It was THE ring! He proclaimed that it was like winning the lottery. Umm. Not. You didn’t win anything, you shit-filled-ninny. You are no better off than you were the day before you tossed the ring, and, in fact, you are now covered with who knows what diseased muck and feculent filth and probably AIDS.
And another thing: Why the hell didn’t you purchase insurance for the big “D” in the first place? Dickshit. And then. And THEN, you took the story to the news. Of course you did. Because what better way to show the woman you love how much she means to you than to skewer your intelligence in front of the entire fucking world? Now everyone knows what a complete assbag you are! And the rest of her flipping life, every single person your fiancée encounters will think, “Aww. That’s the poor girl who is married to that guy who is too stupid to wipe his own ass. Aww.” Yeah! That’s the thing you want the world to think about the man whose penis you let into your girl cave to deposit baby seeds. Yeah. And don’t tell me that woman isn’t going to be just a teeny-tad worried the whole time there’s a timer in the turkey that it isn’t going to pop out dumber than daddy. God, I hope someone with an iota of smarts gets to that girl right away to stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life. She’s got a $10,000 ring! She can walk away right now and do all kinds of shopping after she hits Jerry’s Gold and Pawn!
