|This does not seem like a safe place to sit while naked.|
Oh, good GOD. Is there any surprise at all that Miley Cyrus’s twerking routine at the VMA’s got so much freaking press? An overtly sexy girl, scantily clad, gyrating and fake-sexing herself on television?! Quelle horreur! “We’ve never seen such a thing,” said fucking no one.
Robin Thicke’s recent video featured nekkid models fawning all over him—and I wonder who thought THAT up—so how is what Miley Cyrus did to him at the show that celebrates music videos any worse? Psssshhh. The incident is getting so much air because all the horny, old bastards in the television and news media industries just want a reason to watch the clip multiple times so they can “use the old foam finger” (if you get my drift) for work.
Miss Cyrus made the statement that she was “making history,” and she’s right. Everyone remembers the obnoxious Madonna-VMA- incident and the obnoxious Lady Gaga-VMA incident and all the obnoxious Britney-VMA-incidents; and now we just have a complete obnoxious set. The hype helped to propel Miley’s new video for the song, “Wrecking Ball,” to #1. She absolutely knows how to play the game.
The “Wrecking Ball” video begins with an extreme close-up of Miley, with her insanely pearly-whites gleaming behind some crying-jag spittle, framed by lips redder than a fox's ass in poke-berry season, and topped off with massive blue eyes that would make Red Riding Hood explode. She is honest-to-God gorgeous. She writhes around a demolition zone in some tighty whities and a teeny tank top, and then rides a wrecking ball in Lady Godiva-fashion.
Holy crap! If I were 20 years old and looked as fabulous as she does, I’d want to preserve the evidence for posterity too. It’s not like she offers up any money shots, for God’s sake. She is quite demure while being sensual and unabashedly sexy. Marilyn Monroe in 2013. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t do it too if you had the goods!
I know. I know. Some men-folk master-minded the whole production. Objectification of women and all that. But I can’t imagine that Miss Cyrus batted her baby-blues and innocently went along for the ride. She is a smart one, that Hannah Montana. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and she’s tittering all the way to the bank with our money. If she’s being objectified, it’s on her own terms, and she sure as hell isn’t pretending that she’s not being naughty.
I understand that she makes some parents uncomfortable because she used to be Hannah Freaking Montana, and now she’s probably having sex, for God’s sake, and that means that our cherubic little girls will grow up and do God-knows-what in the bedroom one day. And that’s where the logic throws me because the women who belong to the Parents’ Television Council were all young once and then grew up and had children, which—wait for it—requires sex. It’s not like no teenagers have ever thought about sex until Miley Cyrus twerked off on television.
Miley does look a little dorky sometimes. Note to Miley: We get it that you’ve got an extra-long tongue, okay? We’re awfully happy for your boyfriend. Please. Can you just put that thing away in public? Stick to singing and provoking and flauting because you are young, beautiful, talented and lucky. Use it or lose it.