A NEW use for Cats

The Chinese Lucky Cat, whose symbol translates roughly as "I am tender over rice."

Cats are good for approximately nothing. They are slightly less important than cockroaches. In fact, most of the world’s greatest tragedies were caused by cats. The Great Chicago Fire of 1871, the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, the BP oil spill of 2010: all caused by cats. Or someone who knew a cat. Or someone or something on the same planet as a cat. Or Mrs. O’Leary’s cow in that one case, but mostly cats. Cats are just up to no good and are also the genesis of street gangs, illiteracy and reality television. Plus they lick themselves all the time. Who does that?!

Most people hire someone or at least get an intern. 

If it weren’t for cats, there would be no world hunger, no video rental late fees, no need for plastic ice trays. In a world without cats, bed sores would be a thing of the past. There would be free public transportation in all communities, and eggs would be 25 cents a dozen. The truth is that there is only one possible positive use for cats: anchors. There are enough cats in the world this very minute to guarantee that no boat ever drifts astray again. 

So. What can YOU do to help start this fuck-the-felines revolution? Buy American. Ask your doctor if Boniva® is right for you. And for God’s sake, eat a good breakfast. Otherwise, you will have no one but yourselves to blame when you wake up one bright and shining morning to find a pussy in the White House. Ohhhhhhh, shit. Too late.