Time is NOT on my Side Because Time is a Stingy Bitch.

You know. If she spent half as much time working and taking care of her family as she does perfecting her circus skills, she might have a real job that pays a decent wage, and her children wouldn't have to wear shit off the sale rack at Wal Mart, and they wouldn't be out in the yard looking for something to eat because she never cooks. Bitch.

Okay. This is going to be short to make up for the extra long crap I’ve been spinning lately…and also because I don’t have enough fricking TIME to write a big, long diatribe about how much of a ball-breaking bitch time is. If I were in charge of the world, I would immediately pass legislation to increase the number of hours in the day to 40 and to strip Charlie Sheen of his American citizenship because he is a fucking embarrassment to the country. So you can see why I am not in charge of the world. Damn. I’m not even in charge of most of my own bodily functions and none of my thought processes, but I sure as hell don’t have time to discuss that, so stay focused. God. You’re always trying to get me off track.

Anyway, time sucks. It goes too damned fast, especially when you are old as magma like I am. I was just getting used to writing 2000 on my checks, and now you tell me it’s half way through June, 2011? Who allowed this? Probably some MAN who only needs three-and-a-half minutes to straighten his comb-over and get out the door in the morning. Asshole. It takes me three-and-half-minutes to work up a good pee in the morning. And then right when I think I’m finished and stand up, more from some second, hidden bladder comes screaming down the pipeline just in time for the pulled-up panties to catch it. Nice. No wonder I never have any clean underwear. Who has time to wash lingerie anyway? That requires freaking Woolite ® and a sink, and most of the time the sink is full of dishes that I didn’t get to, like I’m going to hurry and put dinnerware in the dishwasher when I’m late for whatever. Besides, crust comes off with Cascade ® so, yeah.

I know that I’m not alone in my dissatisfaction of the time system some ancient fuck invented. Practically everyone I talk to says things like, “Time goes so fast!” or “There aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done!” or “Time sure flies when you’re having fun!” or “Time flies like arrows, but fruit flies like bananas.” Or “I fucking hate Charlie Sheen; don’t you?” I don’t know what we can do about the issue, but I’m going to write my Congressman as soon as I have a sec. Those idiots on Capitol Hill ought to be doing something productive besides whining about silly shit like health care and war and the economy anyway.