It's Officially Summmmmmer

And then a large marsh monster shot up out of the murky water and ate Janie, leaving Carol all too aware of her rapidly approaching, painful and bloody fate. This is why humans do not belong in water that is not chlorinated weekly by some fellow who looks fetching in a Speedo ® even if it IS over 100 friggin’ degrees out.

 

Ah. Summer. Or as I like to call it, Season of Searing, Soul-Sucking Suffering, especially if you live in Georgia. Or on Earth. Today, I thirsted for over an hour in the community pool because it was 103 degrees, and so was my Coke Zero ® after about 30 seconds, and damned if I was going to drag my fat ass out of the water and cause mass hysteria and devastating blindness just to go get some ice.

Even the pool water was tepid, and by that I mean its temperature and its temperament. The waves were lackluster and could barely work up a normal lapping. Birds fluttered their wings a half stroke and then gave the fuck up and fell. Bugs that landed in the water just went ahead and died to save themselves the effort of trying to escape. Small children…no. Those fuckers still had their alien energy, all springy and jumpy and screamy, and if the US government could just figure out how to harness that shit and use it for fuel, we could once and for all give a collective middle finger to foreign oil. Not that I expect the government ever to come up with something simple and inexpensive and practical that would not only change forever the balance of world power, but would also free the public’s pools from the strangling grip of malevolent moppets.

Anyway. Where was I? The heat. Yes. The heat. I’ve always said that cold is far preferable because you can pile on more and more layers, but there is only so much you can take off when it’s sweltering. Once you get to skin level, people get all upset when you start peeling that off. And then the vomiting is annoying and smells, particularly in extra-hot weather.

So what are the options when the mercury is high or whatever they use in thermometers now since mercury turned out not to be such a fun thing to play with after all? Well. Walk-in coolers are good. You can get a part-time job in fast food and just stand around in the cooler, eating those pre-packaged desserts, which is not at all stealing if no one ever finds the wrappers. Or you can work in a morgue. I hear those are kept pretty chilly, so folks don’t rot until after they are in the ground. Or how about hanging out with Anna Wintour for a day? If you believe 60 Minutes, the editor of Vogue is such a stone cold bitch that the air around her for a ten-mile radius has visible frost particles. 

I don’t know. 

I never thought I’d say this. But maybe Al Gore is right. There is actual global warming. And it is caused by all the fucking hot air that comes out of blustering baby-kissers like Al Gore. So maybe if we just plug up our politicians, the climate will level off a few degrees, and we can get back to enjoying the things that matter in life. Like Freon. And refrigerated, bottled water. And central air conditioning. And other people who cook in restaurant kitchens so you don’t have to make dinner and get all sweaty. And autumn. Which will be here in only three short months.