Car 54, WHERE are You?

Five things you do NOT want to see in your rear-view mirror. And trust me. Speeding up to see if the pretty little lights will spin and flash faster is a horrible, horrible idea.

The best joke I’ve heard in a long time:

A child molester walks a six-year-old through the forest. The child tugs on the guy’s sleeve and says, “These woods are scary.”

“Tell me about it,” the molester replies. “And I’ve gotta walk back out of here alone.”

Which reminds me of my topic for today: Why the hell are cops NEVER where you need them to be? Why are there NOT woods police? That’s where most of the bad shit happens. You never see CSI teams digging up the sidewalk in downtown Chicago looking for a missing kid’s decomposing corpse. The crazy fuckers are in the woods, officers! Why aren’t YOU there?

And when I am on the interstate, where are YOU, coppers, when some asshole motorcyclist whizzes by at 100 mph, darting around cars like the lanes are the guy’s personal obstacle course? If you aren’t going to be there to nab jerks like that, then why can’t I have the authority to pop some of those little spike strips in the road so that justice can be done? You sure are right there the second I’m going 67 in a 35, aren’t you?? Yeah. I thought so.

Police spend too much time harassing hookers and probably doing some “field research” while they’re at it. And rounding up drug pushers and addicts isn’t saving anybody from being kidnapped and sexually molested and killed either. Plus, cops have a much better chance of being shot if they spend their time collaring deranged druggies. Imagine how much safer we’d all feel if the police prowled the backwoods or parked on the off-ramp from I-475 to Eisenhower Parkway in Macon, GA, where fuckers run that stupid red light every day. The coinage from tickets at that light alone could support the entire Bibb County Sherrif’s Department. And can’t you just picture the utter surprise on some son-of-a-bitching molester/murderer’s fugly mug if cops in camo slid out from behind the trees in the thicket or hopped up from foliage in the field that the asshole thought was isolated? 20/20 could do a new series. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do appreciate the fact that we have a police force, especially not a military police force like in some fricking frightening countries. I love law and order. I love knowing that if I dial 911, eventually a cruiser will appear unless I am black and poor and live in the ghetto. And, I applaud the officers out there who DO risk their lives every day (or night) at work to make the world a better place just like teachers and convenience store clerks. But until there are cops in every crawl space, law enforcement in all the lowlands, flatfoots in every field, detectives in every dark alley, badges in the backwoods, and county-mounties at that off-ramp in Macon, then I will never feel completely secure.