Eerie Coincidences Should Never be Ignored!

In this spooky, hazy photograph, there are no children on the playground. Eerie.

If you haven’t seen at least some version of the famous (but faulty) list of coincidences between the assassinations of Kennedy and Lincoln, then I don’t know. You’re blind maybe. Or in a vegetative state. And in that case I don’t know how you are reading this, but what the hell. I need all the readers I can get, so even the brain dead are welcome. But the point is that there are some eerie coincidences in life that cannot be ignored.

On the Kennedy/Lincoln list, it’s strange that Oswald (Kennedy’s killer) ran from a warehouse to a theatre, while Booth (Lincoln’s slayer) ran from a theatre to a warehouse, that both assassins were killed before they could stand trial, and that both presidents’ successors were Southern Democrats named Johnson born in '08. Eeeeerie. Most of the other items on the list are stretching for a connection, and some are down right ridiculous. That’s because humans love to find patterns because patterns give the illusion of order in a fucking disorderly world. (Although I think the universe and nature are pretty orderly themselves; the human part is the shit in the toilet.) 

Anyway. Whenever I detect orderliness, my neck hairs stand on end. But then they fall right back down because standing up in the first place is so much of an effort like everything else in my life. Still. I just can’t pretend that there are no coincidences sometimes. And some of the concurrences are pretty damned amazing. Take, for example, these correlations that I noticed when comparing Georgia and Indiana, two states in which I’ve split my time for most of the last 18 years.

• Both states’ names have 7 letters and end with an “a.”
• Georgia has 159 counties, the most of any state in the Union besides big ass Texas. The numbers 1, 5, and 9 are all not 2.
• Indiana has 92 counties, so fuck that.
• Both Georgia and Indiana have 12 months and 4 seasons, if you can really count winter as a season in Georgia when it is usually 75-fucking-degrees at Christmas so that the entire Christmas spirit is shot to hell. Thanks a lot, Georgia.
• It is hot as hell in July in Georgia and cold as hell in January in Indiana. Spooky.
• Both Georgia and Indiana have had governors with the first name "James," while Indiana has had governors named "Ratliff" and "Ashbel," which is fucking embarrassing, and their parents should have been ashamed and at the very least held under water until they stopped breathing and then let up and revived, so they would’ve understood the seriousness of giving their sons moronic names like that.
• Both Georgia and Indiana have had no women governors, yet both allow women to live within the states’ borders. Eerie.
• Residents of both Indiana and Georgia typically live in houses with at least 1 door.
• Most people who live in both Indiana and Georgia have 2 eyes.
• I’ve lived in both Georgia and Indiana.

Now. What stunning conclusions can be drawn based on this astounding list of coincidences that I’ve assembled? Not a fucking thing that I know of. But that doesn’t matter. Thinking long and hard about the similarities between Indiana and Georgia was a perfectly healthy and productive way to spend three hours of my Thursday, so don’t act all snooty like I had way more important things to do. Those dishes under the bed and the wadded-up, dirty clothes in the back yard can wait until tomorrow.