For Shame and For Shame!

You know what? Every single body out there has done shit of which he or she is ashamed. Some of it illegal. Some of it just embarrassing. God knows I have. But in a concerted effort to help me be less narcissistic, let’s not dwell on me.

If you’re one of those high falutin,’ holier-than-thou, Puritanical fuckers who claim to have no skeletons in your closet, then you are lying through your freaking teeth right now, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 

So there. That takes care of everyone. 

The differences do not lie in degree of shame. It’s not that any so-called “sin” is any worse than another. Lying. Cheating. Murdering. Torturing of puppies. Faking orgasm. Wrong is wrong. The only reason some people are all cozy in their smug self-righteousness is because their wrongs aren’t public.

Celebrities—especially reality television personalities and Charlie Sheen—are a special group of “people” who do not get to whine when their dirty laundry goes up on the line. When you sign up for a life of adoration by the masses, then you can damned well expect that some crayfucks are going to go through your trash, or take pictures of your naked boobies if you display them. And if you take a picture of your weenie with your fucking cell phone, then you deserve to have said dick-pic universally tweeted. Come on! If you are THAT freaking proud of your penis, have an oil portrait commissioned and save our retinas.

So what about regular folks who do things that they’d rather keep under wraps such as, say, procuring the services of a prostitute? Should the public be privy to the identities of hooker-humpers? It seems that recently up Maine-way, lots of hollering and groaning is going on because the newspapers want to print a list of alllllll the fuckbunny-fillers who visited Zumba instructor Alexis Wright, who was really selling way more than some swiveling hips and sweatin’ to the oldies. Now, presumably, there was probably some sweatin’ and swiveling and hollering and groaning going on otherwise, at least if that girl was worth the money her ho-handlers were paying her. But we’re talking about the whining here. The Maine Supreme Judicial Court is having to weigh in because some pay-to-fuck folks have their panties all in a wad over the possible “schoolyard teasing” and “public shaming” that might occur if everyone knows that Daddy has been placing his hotdog outsida Mommy’s bun.  One hapless Zumba patron droned on and on about how exposing him was going to do nothing but hurt his wife and family. Awwwww. Ittin that sweeeet? Thinking of his family’s feelings. Finally. Prick.

See? That’s the problem. We all do stupid shit without thinking through the consequences. You know you speed on those long, straight, deserted backroads, so don’t deny it. And you’ve sampled the grapes before purchasing “to see if they were sweet.” And you may have even slipped someone a twenty to play lollipop with your joystick. And you KNOW all of those things are bad. Frowned upon. Illegal, actually. What if you hit and killed a young family while you were speeding? What if you got caught shoplifting the produce and lost your job? What if you picked up an oozy STD from that Zumba bitch and passed it along to your wife? THAT’S way worse than having your name printed in the paper for solicitation, you selfish bastard.

Here’s the rub. When people break the law—moral or penal—exposure is fair game. Beyond the actual awful consequences that our actions sometimes have on others, when we make a bad choice, we stand the chance of suffering embarrassment if everyone knows. My hometown newspaper, for example, prints up its “arrest record” each week so that we can all see who was driving drunk or beating his girlfriend last Saturday night. Right now, the argument in Maine is whether the johns should have their names printed before they are charged and convicted of a crime. Before they are even arrested.

If the court allows it, eventually, someone will figure out that it isn’t fair to publish SOME misdeeds. If society is going to require scarlet letters, then everything illegal has to be outed. And then, if all transgressions are made public, the shaming will act as a deterrent…for a while. But pretty soon, every single person on the planet will be on a list for some dastardly deed, and who would care anymore?

Ooooo, Michael stole a Snickers from the local convenience store. Ooooooo, Elizabeth crashed into the front of the drycleaners after too many Martinis. Oooooo, Somebody-bin-Something suicide bombed a marketplace. Who would be shocked?

We’d go from a society that still has some standards to a society of finger-pointers to a society of “everyone does it, so why not?” The only way those fellows in Maine are going to learn any kind of lesson is if they are charged individually and punished for their illegal actions. Their families are going to be hurt either way. Public shaming is just a ruse to make closet-fucker-uppers feel better. Unfortunately for all of us, it looks like the Maine Supreme Judicial Court may be about to open our closet doors.