Why Can't Bieber Fever be Fatal? Why? Why?

Yes, this shit-eating grin is worth $112 million. Where's acne when you need it?!

Do you know why 10-year-olds cannot drive a car or vote for president? No. It is not because they cannot see over the steering wheel or reach the gas pedal and brake or understand the complex issues required to select the best person to run the United States of America. Wait. That last one applies to many adults I know, so scrap that.

The reason that we cannot entrust preteens with the answers to any important decisions is because they suck at pinpointing quality. Just look at the latest American Idol runner-up if you don’t believe me. So because Jessica Sanchez reminds them of themselves and sounds like every other screeching vocal acrobat on their iPods, she made it to the top two? WTF? 

I cannot even bear to listen to that caterwauling crap that emanates from most popular artists today. I am deaf, but I am NOT one of those tone-deaf idiots who judge the value of singing by how loud it is and how many notes the “singer” can milk out of what was supposed to be ONE. Jeez. What happened to pure voices and lyrics not slimy with graphic sex? There is a difference between sensuality and humping everything in sight. But if you consider the music videos inflicted on our youth, how could we expect any youngster to know the difference?

And then there is Justin Bieber. J Biebs. The Biebster. Barrrrrrrf. Yes, I am aware that young girls have been swooning over musicians and vocalists since the first dude in a short toga plucked a lyre string. And I was the most ardent Osmond brothers fan ever born. “Cute” is appealing. And there is almost no arguing that JB is “cute.” And, yes, he is clearly musically talented. But there is a difference between popularity and saturation. 

Did you know that he made #3 on the Forbes list of most powerful celebrities in the world in 2012? Powerful. Not cute. Not talented. Powerful. You see who is driving the freaking universal minivan to the drive-up teller at the bank, don’t you? Teenagers. And they are giggling through their food-caked braces with the little neon rubber bands all the way. God, shoot me now.

Did we honestly need that haircut? And “Boyfriend??” Please, Jesus, make it stopppp. And the dolls? Barbies worldwide vomited in tandem. And that MOVIE, for God’s sake? The ONLY good news about Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is that Just Go with It, one of the biggest piece-of-shit-Jennifer-Aniston-projects (which is admittedly kind of redundant) ever created, beat it at the box office. So yay. I’ll take that tiny bit of justice. And his “Baby” video is the most despised YouTube video of all time. So apparently I’m not the only one hatin.’

It’s just terribly frightening that Bieber got such a young start because that means we are going to be stuck with him for decades. Technically, he could still be charting in 2100. That’s fucking scary. I just read the other day that scientists believe that they will be able to double our life spans pretty soon. Shit! Biebs could live 142 more years. 

UNLESS… scientists can figure out a way to make Bieber Fever into a biological weapon. A majority of shrieking teenagers gone in a poof! And since we all know Biebs suffers from his own fever, voilà! No more bowl-cut, bullshit-singing, Selena-Gomez-banging, Canadian menace. You know, I think this could actually work. Or I could just cut his tiny man-balls off, and he could bleed to death right now. It’s not like it would change his voice or anything. Yep. I like that much better.