Miley Cyrus: Nekkid and WINNING

This does not seem like a safe place to sit while naked.

Oh, good GOD. Is there any surprise at all that Miley Cyrus’s twerking routine at the VMA’s got so much freaking press? An overtly sexy girl, scantily clad, gyrating and fake-sexing herself on television?! Quelle horreur! “We’ve never seen such a thing,” said fucking no one.

Robin Thicke’s recent video featured nekkid models fawning all over him—and I wonder who thought THAT up—so how is what Miley Cyrus did to him at the show that celebrates music videos any worse? Psssshhh. The incident is getting so much air because all the horny, old bastards in the television and news media industries just want a reason to watch the clip multiple times so they can “use the old foam finger” (if you get my drift) for work.

Miss Cyrus made the statement that she was “making history,” and she’s right. Everyone remembers the obnoxious Madonna-VMA- incident and the obnoxious Lady Gaga-VMA incident and all the obnoxious Britney-VMA-incidents; and now we just have a complete obnoxious set. The hype helped to propel Miley’s new video for the song, “Wrecking Ball,” to #1. She absolutely knows how to play the game.

The “Wrecking Ball” video begins with an extreme close-up of Miley, with her insanely pearly-whites gleaming behind some crying-jag spittle, framed by lips redder than a fox's ass in poke-berry season, and topped off with massive blue eyes that would make Red Riding Hood explode. She is honest-to-God gorgeous. She writhes around a demolition zone in some tighty whities and a teeny tank top, and then rides a wrecking ball in Lady Godiva-fashion.

Holy crap! If I were 20 years old and looked as fabulous as she does, I’d want to preserve the evidence for posterity too. It’s not like she offers up any money shots, for God’s sake. She is quite demure while being sensual and unabashedly sexy. Marilyn Monroe in 2013. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t do it too if you had the goods!

I know. I know. Some men-folk master-minded the whole production. Objectification of women and all that. But I can’t imagine that Miss Cyrus batted her baby-blues and innocently went along for the ride. She is a smart one, that Hannah Montana. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and she’s tittering all the way to the bank with our money. If she’s being objectified, it’s on her own terms, and she sure as hell isn’t pretending that she’s not being naughty.

I understand that she makes some parents uncomfortable because she used to be Hannah Freaking Montana, and now she’s probably having sex, for God’s sake, and that means that our cherubic little girls will grow up and do God-knows-what in the bedroom one day. And that’s where the logic throws me because the women who belong to the Parents’ Television Council were all young once and then grew up and had children, which—wait for it—requires sex. It’s not like no teenagers have ever thought about sex until Miley Cyrus twerked off on television.

Miley does look a little dorky sometimes. Note to Miley: We get it that you’ve got an extra-long tongue, okay? We’re awfully happy for your boyfriend. Please. Can you just put that thing away in public? Stick to singing and provoking and flauting because you are young, beautiful, talented and lucky. Use it or lose it.  

Stripping = NOT a Tribute to Girl Power

Madonna. Madonna. Madonna. Please, please stop trying to help. Some of your music belongs on my list of best songs EVAH, and I love your performance in Desperately Seeking Susan. Plus, you were robbed of an Academy Award nomination for Evita. Damn, you were extraordinary in that role. But when it comes to “role model for girls,” you have managed to be the antithesis for thirty freaking years. Before you, parents who let their five-year-olds out of the house in sexy lingerie would have been jailed. Middle-schoolers in revealing outfits with cross-necklace accents would’ve been sent home to change. Cone bras would not have made a comeback. And it would most definitely not be okay for a woman of any age to flash a nipple in a public arena or to charge $745 for a fourth-row ticket to see her strip.

Last week in a stop in L.A. on the MDNA Tour, Madonna told her audience that she’d been moved to tears by the story of Malala Yousafzai, a young Pakastani blogger who had been shot by Taliban asshats after she wrote in support of education for girls. I can understand Madonna’s anguish. Only asshats still hold the mistaken belief that females don’t deserve schooling and opportunities for a better life and freedom from burqas.

So, logically, to show her support for Malala, Madonna did what allllllllll of us want to do. She mowed down those Taliban mother fuckers with an Uzi. What? She what? Oh. That’s right.

Never heralded for her logic, Madonna did not, in fact, remove the scourge of the earth with weaponry after all. She stripped. In public. In front of thousands and thousands of people. Because showing your tits is the absolute best way to say, “No more objectifying and oppressing women, you dickless Taliban freaks!” Madonna thought performing a strip tease that revealed “Malala” painted on her bare back…ah, hell. I have no freaking idea what Madonna was thinking.

How is parading your nakedness going to affect any change, Ms. Ciccone, especially in the minds of Taliban followers?  We’re all happy for you that you still look amazing at your age. You can stop rubbing that in now. I’m sure Guy Ritchie feels like a putz that he no longer gets to tap that sculpted ass of yours and feel your veiny arms around his neck and stick his tongue in that gap between your front teeth through which a semi could easily pass.

Look, Madonna. If you protest burqas by going over to the Middle East, stripping bare, and flipping twin birds in a bustling open-air market, maybe I can get behind that. Generations would worship your bravery and bullet-ridden corpse. But stripping in L.A. to support the idea of education for oppressed women smacks of exhibitionism and narcissism and desperation. Thanks for setting back the progress yet again.