It May Be Time for a Diet...

See? This is what happens when you  have a fat ass.  Men in ugly coats try to shoot you with rifles.

I was waddling around Boston this week when I realized…I was waddling. I’m afraid that I may have gone a little too far with that New Year’s resolution about getting sloppy fat just because I knew it was one I could keep. The truth is that if you put a couple of sticks between my thighs, I could make it in the wilderness because the friction would start a nice fire. But then, the goddamned duck hunters would find me.

So. Before I end up with an ass full of buckshot, I’m thinking it’s time to get serious about losing some of my ass. Now, it isn’t that I haven’t been thinner before or that I don’t know all about dieting. I admit that the past year’s expansion has been due to my inactivity. BUT. Said inactivity isn’t completely my fault as I am not the fucktard who spilled water in the drink aisle at the big box store I shall call Fall Mart. Nevertheless, it is now I who must take charge of the mess otherwise known as my body.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say that if you want to lose weight, “Just watch what you eat.” So I decided to try it. I huffed all the way down to Dunkin’ Donuts, and I watched the bagels. I watched the croissants. I watched the pastries. And I did not lose a freaking ounce. In fact, I’m pretty sure I gained poundage because I got bored watching the crullers, so I ended up buying 3 chocolate cake, 2 Irish crème, and a jelly-filled. Obviously watching what you eat does not work. Fucking liars.  

I’ve also tried that brilliant advice about “burning more calories than you consume.” First, I calculated the number of calories I take in during a typical day. Then, I looked up the number of calories burned per hour of doing my favorite exercise. So at 86 calories per hour, I would have to cook, like, 50 hours in a day to lose weight. Obvs, someone didn’t think this shit through.

And another thing is that the more you weigh, the more calories you burn per hour. A 100-pound person burns 114 calories per hour of housecleaning. But a 250-pound person burns 284 calories for the same damned thing. That is not fair. By my figuring, I’ve got to weigh, like, 750 pounds and clean house for 5 hours a day to get thin. I just don’t see that happening because I can barely vacuum now.

I don’t know. It’s getting critical since I have to buy my clothes in the camping section now. The color selection in pup tents is butt-ugly. I know this because I was just at the sporting goods store looking for an official Duck Dynasty Duck Commander Duck Call. Hell, while I’m trying to surround myself with a paddling of ducks for protective cover, I might as well be trendy.