The Politician's Brain

Would I lie to you? This is an actual diagram  of the politician's brain.

If you grab a random sampling of US presidential candidates—or any politicians, really—and brutally slice open their heads with a cranial saw, guess what you will find after you wash away the glowing green fluid? There in the cerebral cortex’s frontal lobes, where decision making and purposeful behavior and conscience originate, is a tiny placard that says, “Out of order.”

It’s true. My uncle was a brain surgeon, and while he never hacked open any politicians of which I’m aware, and I never would have been permitted to look in on the carnage anyway, I have a terrific imagination. Plus x-ray vision. I can easily “see” inside the heads of those soulless skanks we call “politicians.” Something happened in the formation of the political embryos. The construction of those synaptic bridges necessary for activating moral judgment was apparently halted, probably by an inability to “reach across the aisle” and agree on funding. Who knows?

What’s apparent is that when the loaded BMW of conscience approaches the bridge to morality, it sails straight off into the wild blue yonder of gray matter instead of staying in its own damned lane and finishing the journey to Good Decisions that Benefit Others. If money is involved—and when isn’t it if we’re talking about “public servants” here?—the car’s driver is legally blind. Another problem: Too often the little guy between the politician’s legs is driving the car.

The recent National Conventions provide the perfect showcase for the incompletely formed brains of our government’s finest. We ALL know that politicians lie. It’s as natural as the sucking instinct, and we know they do that too.

There’s a group of Fact Checkers who peruse all campaign speeches, looking for “spin,” (a.k.a. bullshit). Members of the Associated Press—who are members of the media, which means they lean so far left they’re practically horizontal over the W on the compass—feel a responsibility to report the crap in political blustering to all us peons. I love the idea that Americans admit such a well-known truth. Politicians flat-out lie. And that necessitates the creation of a group of folks to sift through the trash to find the shit.  

At this year’s Republican National Convention, VP candidate Paul Ryan lied five times according to the fact checkers. The dumpster-divers didn’t find much stretching of the truth in Romney’s speech—probably because he’s a Mormon, so he’s afraid of having to spend 1000 years in Spirit Prison in the Telestial Kingdom. Interestingly, Fact Checkers found that during the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and VP Biden lied 8 times. Guess who’s going to Spirrrrrit Prissssson?

I wonder if Biden will acknowledge Ryan in the “yard.” They’ll both be bench pressing 20, their American flag tats all shiny from the sweat. Maybe Biden will spot for Ryan. Maybe the other way around. I don’t know. But you can bet that when one of ‘em drops the poundage on the other fellow’s head, smashing the skull and spilling brains all over the harsh concrete, nestled there in the gelatinous mass will be a little sign that says, “Still Out of Order.”