You Don't Have to Commit a Felony to Get Past Your Ex

See? Even fucking BEARS can get married!! What is WRONG with this country??

My parents were the second set on our block to divorce. I could see it coming for miles, and I was freaking terrified. The demise of Sonny and Cher didn’t help a whole hell of a lot. Right after the Breaking News report, I ran to the kitchen where my mother and father were frying chicken and mashing potatoes, and I breathlessly shrieked, “You’re not getting a divorce, are you?!” They both feigned shock and lied straight through their pearly whites. I vowed then and there never to lie to my children any time my divorce was imminent. And I didn’t.

My brother has just completed his second divorce, and my husband and I share an assortment of prior disasters. We’re kind of like the Brady Bunch of divorce. But the fact that we lived to tell the myriad tales shows that no matter how difficult or devastating the end of a marriage may be, it’s pretty survivable.

I will now share with you some easy tips to help you weather the tempest of unmarrying. Every now and then, Bloggurl simply must offer some usable advice besides “Never vote incumbent,” and “Fuck Charlie Sheen.”

Now. Even the kind of divorce that is more relief than heartache still hurts. It’s a death, for God’s sake. The death of dreams and plans and shared memories and perhaps even deep friendship. And it’s certainly more often than not the last nail in financial stability’s coffin. In fact, the divorce rate in America has steadily dropped over the last few years probably in large part because many couples simply cannot afford to separate. You must mourn the many little deaths or they will linger like a sloppy-drunk distant relative at a wedding reception and fuck you up later.

But sometimes, no matter how much praying, begging, counseling, struggling and compromising we do, the end credits scroll on a relationship. And then what? Acceptance and forgiveness. These are the keys to getting on with your life after divorce.

Accept the fact that your ex is truly a mother-fucking pig who is 99% responsible for the break-up. Forgive yourself for the vivid homicidal fantasies that are keeping you up at night.

Oh. Stop. I’m only (partially) kidding.

Accept your part in the failure of the relationship. Own up to your own imperfection. You can change your own uglies-and-nasties, you know.

Forgive yourself and your former spouse for almost everything. (Okay. You can forgive domestic violence too, but don’t ever accept it.)

While you are working diligently at acceptance and forgiveness, there are some other critical coping strategies to practice.

Plan.

Before the actual split, know exactly where you are going to live. If you must bunk with Mom and Dad in your childhood bedroom, for fuck’s sake change the wall paper. And have an exit strategy and a time frame, and stick to it.

Talk, talk, talk.

Yes, your friends are supposed to be a shoulder on which to cry. But most people can tolerate only so much of your stringy snot on their fine washables. That is why you must not use your friends as your support group. Talking about your divorce is essential; but find a real support group, preferably with a certified counselor. It’s important to listen to the experiences of others and to share your own. That’s how you learn that things will be all right eventually. But unless you want to find yourself as friendless as a Republican on MSNBC, save the complaining for the experts.

Do something you have always wanted to do but were too afraid to try.

It’s time for that first tattoo! It only hurts like holy hell, but do it anyway! Go skydiving. There are quite inexpensive simulators now, so you don’t even really have to jump out of a plane. (Unless you really want to, but if you are thinking about doing it without a parachute, then I am really thinking you should stop reading this and visit your nearest psychiatric hospital. Hurry.) Take up belly dancing even if you have more than one belly. Learn to swim. Learn to knit and make scarves for the less fortunate. No one said you actually have to go near the homeless and less fortunate. Really pretty churches with solid gold fixtures accept donations on Sundays, and if you go to the early service, your chances of running into the homeless are greatly reduced.  

Figure out what is truly acceptable and what’s not in a mate.

Now that you can be honest about your ex’s faults and your own, write down the deal breakers. Ready to admit that you hate tighty-whiteys with skid marks? Finally owning up to your disdain of the female mustache? It’s high time you decide the things you may not adore but with which you can live. Then, jot down what you really desire in a mate. You know. Things like compassion, a true interest in your desires and well-being, and a really big…flat-screen t.v. Fill out a pretend online dating application. You will be floored by the shit you can learn about yourself! And if you decide to submit it, you could be getting laid by Thanksgiving!

Never, ever, ever involve your children in the adult mess. Ever.

This is very, very important. Exes can remain friends or at the very least, friendly. But even if you despise each other and know in your heart of hearts that your ex is a dickless porn-monger who eats his own snot and can’t go a day without masturbating in the bathroom sink, keep your poison to yourself around your children. You owe it to them to be the adults. You can be honest (“Your mother and I can’t live together without driving each other mad.”), but you don’t have to be vicious (“Plus, she sucks in bed.”). It is not acceptable to turn your children against your ex-spouse so that they will be “on your side.” Besides kids don't need us to point out how fucking lame some parents are. They can easily figure that out for themselves.