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| "Sit down, Jake," says Baby's mom to her husband just seconds later after she finally grows some cojones. |
No. Fucking. Way. I want to know what in the dadblamed world is wrong with the people in Hollywood besides the fact that they are all plastic and shallow enough to be used as Tupperware ®. Is there really nothing new under the sun? Can the moronic millionaires who’ve brought us such creative and inspiring fare as Hall Pass, From Justin to Kelly, Glitter, Daddy Day Camp, Battlefield Earth, Freddy Got Fingered and Gigli NOT come up with something that doesn’t smell like that pan of potatoes I accidentally left wedged under a seat in my car one summer until it smelled so much like rotten something that Casey Anthony’s parents thought I did it.
What? Too soon?
Anyway. I saw in the news recently that some fucking brain dead yahoos are planning a remake of Dirty Dancing, that amazing, brilliant, classic ode to a simpler time when abortions were only $250 and a guy like Patrick Swayze’s Johnny Castle was not immediately swept up by a vacationing sleazy producer to star in a cheesy reality show. I went to see that movie every single afternoon from the time it was released until it finally left the theatre. I kid you not. Many, many days, I was the only patron in the room, and I loved the experience of having a private showing just for me. The pairing of incomparable stars Swayze and Jennifer Grey was clearly sanctioned by God or at the very least Oprah, whom I think we’re all going to find out in the end is God.
How in Oprah’s name can anyone actually toy with recasting that piece of pure gold?! Has no one seen Psycho (1998)? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)? The Stepford Wives (2004)? Arthur (2011)? You do NOT fuck around with the classics, people. And nobody better put Baby in a corner again.
Aaaaagggh. I can just imagine the agony on celluloid that a remade DD would truly be. The same tired old fucks who think we need yet ANOTHER version of Spiderman have just reshot Footloose, for Chrissake. Kevin Bacon must be rolling over in his career’s grave. Just who in the hell would even be considered remotely worthy of stepping into Baby’s shoes? I’ve seen the rumors that Glee’s Lea Michele is in the running. All I can say is that she BETTER be running. Away from that project. I cannot be responsible for the vitriol that may spill from my soul if this insane idea comes to fruition. Alas. I know it is going to be. The controversy and buzz and possibility of large amounts of money to be made (squandered) will be too much for the Charlie-Sheen-penis-sized minds of Tinsel Town to withstand.
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