The Story of the Century: Bella Screws Edward!

Okay, I know. It LOOKS like he's screwing her, but...

Please. Tell me I’m imagining the intense media coverage of the admitted liaison between Kristen Stewart and her Snow White director, Rupert Sanders. Please? People. We are not smack-dab in the middle of 1959 when Elizabeth Taylor vamped Eddie Fisher away from Debbie Reynolds and folks still pretended that wholesomeness was real and valued. Hell. Even the Angelina-Brad-Jennifer shocker of ’05 seems to belong to a time when fairytales were still possible. Trust me. This country has long passed the Age of Illusions. Except in Washington. But this is Hollywood.

Ironic, isn’t it, that the affair went down during the making of a (really crappy) Snow White movie? What I’m trying to figure out is why this “momentary indiscretion,” as Miss Stewart termed it, is such a big fucking deal. It can’t be that delusional fans are that destroyed by the realization that Twilight isn’t real, that Bella and Edward live only in the pages of Stephenie Meyer’s vapid tomes. Rock Hudson was GAY, people. Hollywood invents shit! Surprise!

It can’t be that the state of relationship harmony and even—gasp!—marriage in America hinges on the success of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison. We all know that the institution of marriage has already been forever annihilated by the outrageous demands of selfish gay people that they be allowed to join in holy matrimony, a union clearly intended only for one man and one woman because it makes perfect sense that true love can only exist in heterosexual pairings. I mean, DUH. Anyone can see that. (And if, by some inexplicable twist of your knickers, you cannot read the flagrant, dripping sarcasm in that pronouncement, then you are as fucking ignorant as a rotten stump and your mother clearly fucked an amoeba. No offense to stumps or amoebae.)

And surely it can’t be that poor, poor Charlize Theron—co-star of Kristen, family friend of Rupert and his shit-upon wife, Liberty Ross—is “fuming,” according to Fox News. For God’s sake, we don’t want to do anything that might upset Miss Theron because all of this is absolutely ABOUT HER. She stays at the family home sometimes, goddammit! She enjoys long dinners around the family table, mother fuckers! What is she going to do NOW!? How dare that bitch, Kristen Stewart, screw around with her life?!  

The best part is that the press jumps on Kristen Stewart as if she drugged and raped Rupert Sanders, or at the very least, twisted his arm. The poor, hapless chump just fell for the temptation, man! AND, that ever-reliable Fox News actually posted an article with the headline “He Dumped THIS for her?” accompanied by wet-swimsuit shots of Liberty Ross, which of course makes all of humanity slap its forehead in utter disbelief because it’s unthinkable that a man might be attracted to another woman for something other than her looks! 

Women in Ethiopia are flicking off flies and going, “No shit! There is no way that a guy would ever lose interest in a woman who looks like that!” I mean, God! Everyone knows that relationships are founded, based and cemented on appearances. So, ladies, the big lesson here is, if you don’t want your man to be stolen by some Elizabeth-Angelina-Kristen, you better put down that cheesy bread, get your ass to the gym and keep up with your botox appointments. Hurry!

Photo credit:

forum.twilightersanonymous.com

Why Can't Bieber Fever be Fatal? Why? Why?

Yes, this shit-eating grin is worth $112 million. Where's acne when you need it?!

Do you know why 10-year-olds cannot drive a car or vote for president? No. It is not because they cannot see over the steering wheel or reach the gas pedal and brake or understand the complex issues required to select the best person to run the United States of America. Wait. That last one applies to many adults I know, so scrap that.

The reason that we cannot entrust preteens with the answers to any important decisions is because they suck at pinpointing quality. Just look at the latest American Idol runner-up if you don’t believe me. So because Jessica Sanchez reminds them of themselves and sounds like every other screeching vocal acrobat on their iPods, she made it to the top two? WTF? 

I cannot even bear to listen to that caterwauling crap that emanates from most popular artists today. I am deaf, but I am NOT one of those tone-deaf idiots who judge the value of singing by how loud it is and how many notes the “singer” can milk out of what was supposed to be ONE. Jeez. What happened to pure voices and lyrics not slimy with graphic sex? There is a difference between sensuality and humping everything in sight. But if you consider the music videos inflicted on our youth, how could we expect any youngster to know the difference?

And then there is Justin Bieber. J Biebs. The Biebster. Barrrrrrrf. Yes, I am aware that young girls have been swooning over musicians and vocalists since the first dude in a short toga plucked a lyre string. And I was the most ardent Osmond brothers fan ever born. “Cute” is appealing. And there is almost no arguing that JB is “cute.” And, yes, he is clearly musically talented. But there is a difference between popularity and saturation. 

Did you know that he made #3 on the Forbes list of most powerful celebrities in the world in 2012? Powerful. Not cute. Not talented. Powerful. You see who is driving the freaking universal minivan to the drive-up teller at the bank, don’t you? Teenagers. And they are giggling through their food-caked braces with the little neon rubber bands all the way. God, shoot me now.

Did we honestly need that haircut? And “Boyfriend??” Please, Jesus, make it stopppp. And the dolls? Barbies worldwide vomited in tandem. And that MOVIE, for God’s sake? The ONLY good news about Justin Bieber: Never Say Never is that Just Go with It, one of the biggest piece-of-shit-Jennifer-Aniston-projects (which is admittedly kind of redundant) ever created, beat it at the box office. So yay. I’ll take that tiny bit of justice. And his “Baby” video is the most despised YouTube video of all time. So apparently I’m not the only one hatin.’

It’s just terribly frightening that Bieber got such a young start because that means we are going to be stuck with him for decades. Technically, he could still be charting in 2100. That’s fucking scary. I just read the other day that scientists believe that they will be able to double our life spans pretty soon. Shit! Biebs could live 142 more years. 

UNLESS… scientists can figure out a way to make Bieber Fever into a biological weapon. A majority of shrieking teenagers gone in a poof! And since we all know Biebs suffers from his own fever, voilà! No more bowl-cut, bullshit-singing, Selena-Gomez-banging, Canadian menace. You know, I think this could actually work. Or I could just cut his tiny man-balls off, and he could bleed to death right now. It’s not like it would change his voice or anything. Yep. I like that much better.